Why Play Shouldn't End in Childhood

When was the last time you played? Did you feel silly? Or like it was something a child should do? Often as adults we feel that play is something that should be left behind. We feel that once we get to a certain age, it's time to get serious and operate as adults do. But play and curiosity are an integral part of human development and wellbeing. You might be thinking that you're playing because you have hobbies, and you might be. But play is actually much more specific than simply engaging in hobbies.

So before we get too far, let's define what play actually is.

What play actually is

activity for its own sake, with its purpose and meaning found entirely within itself rather than aiming for an external reward or goal.

Other factors that define play:

• It can be imaginary

• It's voluntary

• It often absorbs the person playing

• It can involve improvisation

• It has a way of suspending our relationship to consequences
  

That last one deserves an extra sentence to explain it. Suspending our relationship to consequences is the idea that in play we create a boundary or container where we can experiment with the normal rules of survival, social standing, and accountability without fear of genuine consequences. Think of a kid playing hospital, and "allowing" a patient to die. In this way they are experimenting with serious outcomes without the real life consequences.

What play does for us

Play allows us to experiment with failure without fear, because we are not consumed by the outcome. When we focus less on the outcomes of perceived failure, we are better able to take risks and be more creative in our thinking. As you can imagine, having access to greater risk-taking and creativity is beneficial to success and wellbeing.

Additionally, play allows us to solve problems in relationships and increase our bonds.

The research bears this out. In a randomized, placebo-controlled study of 533 adults, Proyer and colleagues (2021) found that brief playfulness exercises, as simple as writing down three playful things from your day, increased every facet of playfulness, improved wellbeing, and reduced self-reported depressive symptoms, with effects still detectable at follow-up.

Play matters between people, too. Aron and colleagues (2000) found that couples randomly assigned to share novel and arousing activities reported greater relationship quality afterward than couples assigned to more mundane shared activities.

So how do you play?

Start by turning away from your internal critic

Playing as an adult can be difficult because a part of play involves suspending evaluation. Many adults have an internal critic that has developed over time, one that passes judgement on our behaviors and activities. So the first step to engaging in play is being intentional about turning away from that critic. You might even say something like: "Whatever happens right now, I'm going to ignore any internal voice that feels like a judgement."

Think about your strengths

Different people have different strengths that allow them to play in different ways. Proyer's (2017) model of adult playfulness describes four distinct facets, other-directed, lighthearted, intellectual, and whimsical, which is a useful reminder that playfulness isn't one thing.

Some people may feel a stronger desire to play cognitively, with words, phrases, or ideas. Others may feel an increased aptitude for physical play. But play can also happen when we get curious about playing in areas that are not our strengths. If you're open to suspending the outcome, get curious about playing in an area where you don't feel as competent. One of the effective conditions in the Proyer et al. (2021) study was simply asking people to use their playfulness in a new way.

Consider how you're taking risks

If you're playing, you're living fully in the moment and willing to try something new. You're willing to risk a new behavior without fear of failure. It might be telling a new joke, or seeing if you can still do a cartwheel.

Allow curiosity to lead

Where are your impulses leading you? Create space when you're playing to follow those impulses and wonder what's next. Maybe it's trying a new recipe where you've made up the instructions yourself, or picking up skateboarding when you're over 40. Remember all those mud pies you made as a kid? Same concept. It isn't about what is definitely going to happen, but rather what could or might happen.

An example: Surfing

One example of play that we've come back to again and again is surfing.

Surfing is a difficult sport to master, and it is the definition of an autotelic activity. The surfer is doing it for its own sake, with its purpose and meaning found entirely within the act of surfing rather than aiming for an external reward or goal. A phrase we appreciate that encapsulates the idea is that. There is no such thing as a bad day surfing.

To become competent at surfing requires a substantial number of small steps that must build upon each other to coalesce into what appears smooth and effortless. It requires that the learner be curious, but also that they be willing to fail...repeatedly, and with good humor. Become too attached to the outcome and, paradoxically, it becomes more and more difficult to actually catch and ride a wave.

You must also be willing to take risks. Paddling into a wave yourself for the first time. Trying a new board you've never ridden. The risk is that you have no idea what will happen. Perhaps you'll catch a wave, or perhaps it will be a flop the first time. The key with this type of play is the experience itself becomes the prize, not the outcome.

You have to be willing to be curious with surfing. Microshifts, macroshifts, wondering what happens if I do this or this are all part of syncing up with the ocean, and learning how to catch a wave. Curiosity is a path toward learning that ultimately leads toward mastery and a sense of self-efficacy.

The point

Ultimately, those repetitions of risk, failure, and reward without fear of reprisal create a sense of hope and a more balanced view of the world, which leads to increased resilience and wellbeing, stronger bonds between friends and partners, and possibly some protection against depression.

Play didn't stop being good for you the year you decided you were too old for it, so how will you go out an play this week?

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Information on this website is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical or mental health advice. Viewing this site or contacting us does not, by itself, create a counseling relationship.

REFERENCES:

References

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. F. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.

Proyer, R. T. (2017). A new structural model for the study of adult playfulness: Assessment and exploration of an understudied individual differences variable. Personality and Individual Differences, 108, 113–122. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2016.12.011

Proyer, R. T., Gander, F., Brauer, K., & Chick, G. (2021). Can playfulness be stimulated? A randomised placebo-controlled online playfulness intervention study on effects on trait playfulness, well-being, and depression. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, 13(1), 129–151. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12220